aerial life

Depression. I know I'm depressed but I don't know how to ask for help. My voice is unheard off. People keeps treating me the same. I moved to new workplace. Not because I hate the old workplace but I want to start a new but the same feeling crept out of its cave and sit in the throne of my mind. Everything in a mess. Figuratively and literally. My room is a mess and I just don't clean it. My mind is in a mess and I can't clean it. Please, if someone read this blog and actually know me in real life. Don't mention anything what you read here. Your so called pity or judgement just going to make it worst. Nobody reads this blog anymore and I know it. I haven't post anything for a long time. At least nothing good. I'm writing now just to let things out of my chest. I hope that no matter what state of mind I'm in, it won't affect my relationship with my mother. I hope she is happy. Always happy. I don't want to worry her. I'm still standing because...

I tend to forgive and forget. Sometimes I forgive before I forget. Usually I forgot what I have forgiven. Seldom forgive to forget. Rarely have to forget to forgive. Never I forgoten to forgive.

I applied for transfer and it was approved. I love my co-workers but I need to change for me. I am stuck at the age of 21 for 13 years... need to be in new skin... act my age... be a better man. I know people would say I could do all that in the same place but it is hard when everybody knows you like what you are and tend to treat you the same... I want to change. The new workplace could be better or worse than now but that is secondary... first I need to be better no matter what kind of challenges awaits me in the new workplace.

Looks. Average. Height. Average. Weight. Average. Health. Average. Strengths. Average. Wealth. Average. Dreams. Average. Love. Average. Temper. Average. Tolerances. Average. Kindness. Average. Empathy. Average. Mind. Average. Soul. Average. Masculinity. Average. Average in all aspects. Anyone needs this average man???

I must be evil or something. I felt envy  in my heart every time I scroll down instagram. I see happiness, success, warmth, wealth, health, family, joy, togetherness, adventures, laughter, smiles, appreciation and many positive attributes that made me feel like I achieved nothing of them...

I know love. It is a torture. I know love. It is cruel. I know love. It is demanding. I know love. It is a burden. I know love but love don't know me. Love don't stick with me. Love always leave me. Love don't give me a chance. Love just don't love me.

What will be my legacy if I die tomorrow? No deeds to remember by. No wealth left behind. No knowledge written. No success to be proud off. I will be just like a breeze. Blowing softly and forgotten.

I'm Mr.Nobody. Have nothing to offer. I don't have good looks that you can adore. No muscular body you can touch. My hair is balding. Pot belly is showing. Smoke cigarettes non-stop. Not the slightest romantic. No brain. An idiot with ego showing like I know everything. No wealth and have debts. Not handy for carpentry or any house maintenance. Ugly handwriting. A coward. Too laidback. Not pious enough to lead you to heaven. Don't know how to play any music instruments. Can't sing to a tempo. No fashion sense. I don't exercise regularly. Not good in any sports. Don't read anything good anymore. Foul mouth. Lazy. Can't cook a proper meal. Can't dance. Like to sleep but not at the right time. Cheapskate but sometimes a shopaholic. Hmmmmm..... I'm not Mr.Nobody. I'm Mr.Terrible.