Saturday, August 17, 2019

guilty

I feel guilty. Toward myself, mother and God. Taking the things I have now for granted. God bestows me with good looks, healthy body, loving mother and problems that I could handle. I don't use my looks that attracted many women to find one that love me for who I am. I don't spend enough time with my mother while she is still healthy now. I don't handle my not so bad problems with my mind.

TIRED...

    Tired. Yes, after a long time resting from writing any post in the blog. The title is TIRED. What am I tired of?? A lot of things actually... A LOT. Too much a burden for me to handle. My depression is getting worse and my financial status does not look good too. Nothing about me is good now. 

     One of the thing I am tired off is taking care of other people shits. Well not really other people. Those other people are related to me by blood. I don't know how to start writing what I am tired off but I need to write all my troubles here to ease the pain I'm feeling.  Please mind my grammar here. I don't care about grammar here. I am not writing a research or a  book to be published. I am writing for my own sake.

     Okay. I have to start somewhere. Hmmmmmm I'll just start whatever comes to my mind now. Nothing in chronological order. Not like anyone is reading this blog anyway. hahahahahhahahaha and that's the truth!!!! hahahaahahahhahha...

     There are many people living with me now. my brother, his wife and their little kid. A four year old. My sister and 4 of her children and my mother who has always been living with me. I love my family, don't get me wong but sometimes I just want a little bit of privacy. I know it sounds selfish of me but I am a  bit tired of taking care of my nephews and nieces. They take a lot of my times, energy  and money too... hahahaha yes money, They just don't reallise they are poor but been living like the rich. They want Starbucks, movies, dining at fancy restaurants and eats like kings with my money. They enjoy themselves with my money and I am broke. hahahahaha sound petty. I am a bit petty sometimes. I loathed myself for writing this. I shouldnt write this kind of thing. I just want to stop now. I hate having these kind of thought. I don't always have these kind of thoughts. I am accessing my inner darkness. hmmmmmmm bye.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Hmmmmm harap diri sendiri je la

Dh lame xformat pc.... hantar kedai, hantar kat kawan semua lepas format je ade rase xcukup, xpuas hati... xleh install apps la driver la... last2 buat sendiri baru puas hati... rugi je bayar kt org lain. Buat memain je....buat sendiri baru puas hati...cuma membazir masa je la...

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Depression is killing me. Help me.

Depression. I know I'm depressed but I don't know how to ask for help. My voice is unheard off. People keeps treating me the same. I moved to new workplace. Not because I hate the old workplace but I want to start a new but the same feeling crept out of its cave and sit in the throne of my mind. Everything in a mess. Figuratively and literally. My room is a mess and I just don't clean it. My mind is in a mess and I can't clean it. Please, if someone read this blog and actually know me in real life. Don't mention anything what you read here. Your so called pity or judgement just going to make it worst. Nobody reads this blog anymore and I know it. I haven't post anything for a long time. At least nothing good. I'm writing now just to let things out of my chest. I hope that no matter what state of mind I'm in, it won't affect my relationship with my mother. I hope she is happy. Always happy. I don't want to worry her. I'm still standing because I need to be strong for my mother. Let me be miserable but God please let her be happy. I will hide this depression and show my grateful happy face in front of her... God, please help me. Please give me the courage, strength and patient to face all my trouble. God, please show me the way to get rid of all my problem. Help me with my debt, health and the sound of mind... let me always be calm...

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Forgive and forget

I tend to forgive and forget.
Sometimes I forgive before I forget.
Usually I forgot what I have forgiven.
Seldom forgive to forget.
Rarely have to forget to forgive.
Never I forgoten to forgive.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Move on... New workplace.

I applied for transfer and it was approved. I love my co-workers but I need to change for me. I am stuck at the age of 21 for 13 years... need to be in new skin... act my age... be a better man. I know people would say I could do all that in the same place but it is hard when everybody knows you like what you are and tend to treat you the same... I want to change. The new workplace could be better or worse than now but that is secondary... first I need to be better no matter what kind of challenges awaits me in the new workplace.

Friday, June 8, 2018

Average in every way

Looks. Average.
Height. Average.
Weight. Average.
Health. Average.
Strengths. Average.
Wealth. Average.
Dreams. Average.
Love. Average.
Temper. Average.
Tolerances. Average.
Kindness. Average.
Empathy. Average.
Mind. Average.
Soul. Average.
Masculinity. Average.

Average in all aspects. Anyone needs this average man???

Monday, February 12, 2018

Negative vibes

I must be evil or something. I felt envy  in my heart every time I scroll down instagram. I see happiness, success, warmth, wealth, health, family, joy, togetherness, adventures, laughter, smiles, appreciation and many positive attributes that made me feel like I achieved nothing of them...

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

I know love...

I know love. It is a torture.
I know love. It is cruel.
I know love. It is demanding.
I know love. It is a burden.
I know love but love don't know me.

Love don't stick with me.
Love always leave me.
Love don't give me a chance.
Love just don't love me.

Legacy

What will be my legacy if I die tomorrow?

No deeds to remember by.

No wealth left behind.

No knowledge written.

No success to be proud off.

I will be just like a breeze. Blowing softly and forgotten.

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