aerial life

I feel guilty. Toward myself, mother and God. Taking the things I have now for granted. God bestows me with good looks, healthy body, loving mother and problems that I could handle. I don't use my looks that attracted many women to find one that love me for who I am. I don't spend enough time with my mother while she is still healthy now. I don't handle my not so bad problems with my mind.

    Tired. Yes, after a long time resting from writing any post in the blog. The title is TIRED. What am I tired of?? A lot of things actually... A LOT. Too much a burden for me to handle. My depression is getting worse and my financial status does not look good too. Nothing about me is good now.       One of the thing I am tired off is taking care of other people shits. Well not really other people. Those other people are related to me by blood. I don't know how to start writing what I am tired off but I need to write all my troubles here to ease the pain I'm feeling.  Please mind my grammar here. I don't care about grammar here. I am not writing a research or a  book to be published. I am writing for my own sake.      Okay. I have to start somewhere. Hmmmmmm I'll just start whatever comes to my mind now. Nothing in chronological order. Not like anyone is reading this blog anyway. hahahahahhahahaha and that's the truth!!!!...

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Depression. I know I'm depressed but I don't know how to ask for help. My voice is unheard off. People keeps treating me the same. I moved to new workplace. Not because I hate the old workplace but I want to start a new but the same feeling crept out of its cave and sit in the throne of my mind. Everything in a mess. Figuratively and literally. My room is a mess and I just don't clean it. My mind is in a mess and I can't clean it. Please, if someone read this blog and actually know me in real life. Don't mention anything what you read here. Your so called pity or judgement just going to make it worst. Nobody reads this blog anymore and I know it. I haven't post anything for a long time. At least nothing good. I'm writing now just to let things out of my chest. I hope that no matter what state of mind I'm in, it won't affect my relationship with my mother. I hope she is happy. Always happy. I don't want to worry her. I'm still standing because...

I tend to forgive and forget. Sometimes I forgive before I forget. Usually I forgot what I have forgiven. Seldom forgive to forget. Rarely have to forget to forgive. Never I forgoten to forgive.

I applied for transfer and it was approved. I love my co-workers but I need to change for me. I am stuck at the age of 21 for 13 years... need to be in new skin... act my age... be a better man. I know people would say I could do all that in the same place but it is hard when everybody knows you like what you are and tend to treat you the same... I want to change. The new workplace could be better or worse than now but that is secondary... first I need to be better no matter what kind of challenges awaits me in the new workplace.

Looks. Average. Height. Average. Weight. Average. Health. Average. Strengths. Average. Wealth. Average. Dreams. Average. Love. Average. Temper. Average. Tolerances. Average. Kindness. Average. Empathy. Average. Mind. Average. Soul. Average. Masculinity. Average. Average in all aspects. Anyone needs this average man???

I must be evil or something. I felt envy  in my heart every time I scroll down instagram. I see happiness, success, warmth, wealth, health, family, joy, togetherness, adventures, laughter, smiles, appreciation and many positive attributes that made me feel like I achieved nothing of them...

I know love. It is a torture. I know love. It is cruel. I know love. It is demanding. I know love. It is a burden. I know love but love don't know me. Love don't stick with me. Love always leave me. Love don't give me a chance. Love just don't love me.

What will be my legacy if I die tomorrow? No deeds to remember by. No wealth left behind. No knowledge written. No success to be proud off. I will be just like a breeze. Blowing softly and forgotten.

I'm Mr.Nobody. Have nothing to offer. I don't have good looks that you can adore. No muscular body you can touch. My hair is balding. Pot belly is showing. Smoke cigarettes non-stop. Not the slightest romantic. No brain. An idiot with ego showing like I know everything. No wealth and have debts. Not handy for carpentry or any house maintenance. Ugly handwriting. A coward. Too laidback. Not pious enough to lead you to heaven. Don't know how to play any music instruments. Can't sing to a tempo. No fashion sense. I don't exercise regularly. Not good in any sports. Don't read anything good anymore. Foul mouth. Lazy. Can't cook a proper meal. Can't dance. Like to sleep but not at the right time. Cheapskate but sometimes a shopaholic. Hmmmmm..... I'm not Mr.Nobody. I'm Mr.Terrible.

I.... am easily satisfied with what I have and achieved even when to you it looked like nothing. I don't care how much money you made in your life or what kind of car you drive. I drive a simple and cheap car and I am satisfy with the car. I don't envy other people with better, bigger, faster and more expensive cars. I'll buy what I can afford and I will be satisfy with it.... mannnnnnnn.... why did I suddenly have the urge to write after a lonnnnnng time????? well, because I felt discontent by people around me. I bought a watch recently and I like it. It is not very expensive but to my standard of living, it is quite a sum of saving. People kept asking the price when they saw the watch and I would just say... Ohhh not that much or expensive and then they will relate to their friend's watch or somebody else they know... "ohhhh my friend bought a 20K watch.... Oh My friend have a Rolex.... oh. Those people you talk about can afford the expensive watches and good f...

I've decided to continue my study at UPSI. This will be my third sem but I need to repeat 2 papers I failed last sem. I did terrible last sem and there were many things I blamed on for all the faillure but in the end it s me who determined the success or failure of my life. I PROMISE to do better this semester. I wantnto get as many A's as I can get.... before my target was only to pass all the subjects but now my target is to get the best I can.

Just want to give up. Tired of all the fuss. I want to be free of responsibility. I just want to live for me and not others.

I forsaken God but God haven't forsaken me. I am a sinner. Repeatedly over and over again but I still feel the grace of God. I am grateful and have the urge to change my way of life. I have been postponing the remake of me for so long... I do want to change but I always find reasons to postpone the changes.

Oh please let me sleep tonight. I want to be wide awake tomorrow at day. Let me be free of the web entangling me from my duty as a human.

Nights and days pass like normal. It is I who is not normal. Sleeping all days and at nights my eyes are wide awake. If I am a vampire or some sort of a supernatural being then this might be normal. I possess all the human weaknesses and neither of the strengths nor do I have any inhuman power as well. I am just a man who is always grumpy...

Every time I'm in my bed I would hope that tomorrow I'll be a better man. When I wake up... I would be just the same and postponed the change for tomorrow... that night I would regret it and hope to be a better man next morning. Its a never ending cycle for years now...

I can't believe that I would be lost in this age. I used to know who I was and where I wanted to go. I knew what I wanted and how I could achieve my goals... Now, I'm lost... I have to start all over again. Start my life again and I hope I'm in the righteous road. I stumbled on too many obstacles in my journey before that I felt it was easier to lay down and just do nothing. Waiting for whatever may come...

Mungkin terlebih "excited" sampai langsung xtido menunggu waktu nak sahur. Xtau la mcm mane nti kat tmpt koje... rasenye boleh tahan mengantuk nanti tp kesannye bile sampai rumah dri koje mesti ter...diulangi ter-tido sampai la magrib nak berbuka....akan ku cuba untuk tidak terlajak tido... oh mak xbangun lagi....lupe nk kunci kan jam mak td...nak kejut mcm xsampai ati...uhhh tp kalo xkejut lagi la macam salah....nanti la kul 5pagi baru kejut.... tahun2 sebelum ni  mak slalu suh kunci jam pukul 4.30 pagi....awal2 pagi tu macam2 la plak dier masak...sian....penat plak dier nanti...nak tolong masak hmmmm aku masak air bleh laaaaa.... patutnye beli roti semalam...bleh makan ngan kari semalam...sedapppppp kari perangat balik...huhu....mcm over sharing plak aku kali ni....ohhh lantakkan...kenkadang tulis merapu ikut suke ni la yang dapat tenangkan fikiran dan dapat fikir dengan lebih baik...luahan perasaan... update. nampak macam lampu ruang dah terbuka...mak bangun sebelum se...